Don't Fcuk Up
Best Jokes ;)
Don't Fcuk Up - How's that again?
Author: Unknown
Morris and his wife go visit a marriage counselor.
First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problems?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband Morris, he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public !"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control !"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy and she might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be her problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public, looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
Morris looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh.That's what he meant. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
Morris replies: "In his dying breath, he said: Don't Fcuk Up."
Porn for Women (Paperback)
by Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative
Prepare to enter a fantasy world. A world where clothes get folded just so, delicious dinners await, and flatulence is just not that funny. Give the fairer sex what they really want beautiful PG photos of hunky men cooking, listening, asking for directions, accompanied by steamy captions: 'I love a clean house!' or 'As long as I have two legs to walk on, you'll never take out the trash.'
Now this is porn that will leave women begging for more!
About the Author
The Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative asked women, young, old, rich, and poor, "What really,
really gets you hot?" Armed with their findings, they
worked day and night to create Porn for Women.
Susan Anderson is a Los Angeles-based photographer who believes the future
of porn shouldn't be in the hands of men alone.
Review
Whoever said this book is lame and sexist needs to have their
head examined. Sexist? I'm a 42 year mother of two, former
journalist and an 'independent woman'. I found the book hysterical
and right on. It's funny, but true. All my friends are passing
it around, and our husbands like it even better. It's a great
laugh. It's also PG, so one can give it to almost anyone as
a gift. I'm giving it to just about everyone on my list! --J
Seaton "ilovebooks" (Singapore)
Get the Porn For Women book here
Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar . . .: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes (Paperback)
by Thomas Catart and Daniel Klein
This New York Times bestseller is the hilarious philosophy course everyone wishes they’d had in school
Outrageously funny, Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar . . . has been a breakout bestseller ever since authors—and born vaudevillians—Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein did their schtick on NPR’s Weekend Edition. Lively, original, and powerfully informative, Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar . . . is a not-so-reverent crash course through the great philosophical thinkers and traditions, from Existentialism (What do Hegel and Bette Midler have in common?) to Logic (Sherlock Holmes never deduce)
Review
“ The zaniest bestseller of the year.” —The
Boston Globe “
I laughed, I learned, I loved it.” —Roy Blount, Jr.
Get Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar here
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